Marriage is a Strange Thing

At Least I thought So

Introduction

It was just days after returning from our honeymoon. I was lying in bed and could hear my wife’s breath, that soft rhythmic breathing one has while asleep. Half in shock and in a touch of panic I turned to look at her. Quietly under my breath, I asked myself, “What have I done?” Marriage was strange and unfamiliar territory. I was thirty-six when I got married. That was thirty years ago.

My intent in the next few posts is to show that at the center of every marriage is a union and a unique one at that. I wrote with three groups in mind. The:

1. The newlywed

2. I am married—what have done person.

3. Anyone who might think, marriage is a strange thing.

It may sound odd, but I have often wondered, why do people even want to get married? I did, though marriage did seem like a strange thing. After thirty years, it can still feel a bit surreal. Two people who hardly know each other take gigantic risks, make promises, argue, fail each other, make up, meet new family members whom they may not even like, or may love (my in-laws are awesome). They’ll move in together, buy a house, have sex— perhaps the most intimate act of all, have children, and forge a life together.

Statically, 37.6% (in the United State's) of married couples will divorce.[1] A growing number choose to cohabitate without the wedding. In much of the west, attitudes toward marriage have changed. It is no longer viewed as a prerequisite for long lasting relationships and that number is growing. Yet, polls say, 7 out of 10 have a favorable view of marriage.[2] That is a strange thing.

I am no expert and there are plenty of great books out there on marriage. Though our personalities are all different it seems people share the same core desires and needs. Yet, your marriage is unique because it is yours to make. It will have its own rhythm and appeal. Your character, integrity, hurts, insecurities, desires, expectations, etc. all come with you. What you bring is part of the package— the most important part. In the coming posts I share a few thoughts on marriage.

MARRIAGE AND THE GREAT EXPECTATION

I was invited in 2016 to Uganda as one of several speakers to an international pastor’s conference. My topic was marriage relationships. After some initial remarks and introductions, I launched into it saying: “When I got married, I expected my wife to cook, clean, have sex and not cause me conflict.” Wow was I in for a surprise! The room of several hundred attendees responded with a collective hoot of laughter. The men laughed and the women nodded, apparently dealing with their husband’s similar expectations. It struck a chord. Many men came up to me, shaking my hand with hardy approval. This might just be a global thing with men.

Expectations influence our behavior in both negative and positive ways. Negative expectations likely will cause us to be more pessimistic and rigid. We can become critical and judgmental of others. On the other hand, positive expectations can cause us to be more open-minded and understanding; We may be open to give others a chance and be more forgiving.

David Tripp comments in his book, What Did You Expect? Redeeming the Realities of Marriage, "We live our life as if it is a kingdom and we are its king or queen; couples are utterly shocked upon finding their spouse prefers his/her own kingdom to theirs” He continues, "Marriage is really about two kingdoms, the kingdom of self and the kingdom of God.”[3&4] A healthy and happier life between you means, you will need realistic expectations and the more they match Biblical ideas the better.

Expectations are not set in stone. They can change over time as our values and beliefs evolve and mature. When our expectations are unrealistic, feelings of disappointment are common. We will be less likely to communicate our needs and ideas to the other person. Recently, my wife has expressed her desire for me to come to bed when she does. I often stay up late reading so to go to bed early does not feel convenient to me, but I understand her feelings and adjust my preference to please her.

Your marriage is unique because every expectation you have is buried deep within you. They are attached to your beliefs, wants and feelings. They will guide and direct how you relate to each other. That is why I said, you bring part of the package. You bring what you are into your marriage, and it will be nothing more than what you make it. And, what you make depends on your character.

If you have emotional wounds, a painful family upbringing, or you made poor decisions that haunt you—these may be triggered and cause you to act out in ways that undermine your real desires. The point here is your expectations are built around many of your experiences. These experiences and beliefs generate their own emotional energy. It’s common, that this energy to bleed over into your marriage. If this describes you, I suggest finding help to resolve past conflicts and may put you in a better position to move froward.

Take time to reflect on your mistakes so that you can be wiser in the future. Even with a happy family upbringing and wholesome life experiences marriage is taking a risk. Your expectations, realistic or not, influence how you act toward each other. You need each other. By frequent and honest communication and intentional listening you may find an agreeable balance. When you make mistakes, humble yourselves and ask forgiveness, using them as an opportunity to learn and grow.

We can learn life lessons from the cross. Matthew 10:38 speaks about this. It is a cross of surrender and humility. Jesus is calling us to surrender our lives and plans and come under his leadership. In taking up our cross, we are following the example that Jesus set for us. The cross reminds how much Jesus loves us and how far He was willing to go for our sake.

Your cross provides you the freedom for self-reflection without guilt or shame. Jesus paid that price for us! We don't have to remind each other of past mistakes. The cross is a reminder of the power of self-sacrifice, which allows us to place the needs of others before our own. Self -awareness free of shame and guilt means you can better evaluate your own expectations.

Rest assured that marriage is God's idea. He created it to bring us companionship. It is a call to action to those of us who are married and for those who will be. Be salt and light. Live courageously by loving and serving one another. Embrace the high calling of marriage, with its joys, responsibilities, and pain. Let us be faithful, courageous, and trust in God even when it doesn't always make sense. Let us be true to the vision of love, commitment, and mutual respect. Let us be an example to others that real love is worth fighting for, even when it requires going beyond our comfort levels.

Reflect:

How does past hurt affect your ability to relate with your spouse?

Read Matthew 10: 38 and 39.

How does Jesus’ cross influence how you relate to others?

Where do you recognize your expectations clashing with your spouses? 

Foot notes:

[1]. (Center for Disease Control and Prevention, 2020)Center for Disease Control and Prevention, https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/marriage-divorce.htm, data from 2020 (Divorces declined during covid restriction but are seeing a rise now),

[2]. (Pew Reteach Center, n.d.) (Pew Research Center, 2020)Pew Research Center, https://pewrsr.ch/2HjPyiO, February 14, 2020, (7 out of 10 still hold a favorable view of marriage, however the trend is decreasing.)

[3 Tripp, David, Paul, What did you Expect, Redeeming the Realities of Marriage, Crossway books Ó2010, 1st Edition. pg. 48

[4] Ibid.