LEAVE, JOIN, BECOME
Leaving, joining and becoming is what makes a marriage a marriage. What do these three do? “Leave”, “Join” and “Become” makes a new family unit. The principle in Genesis 2:23-24 is the idea that for a marriage to be successful, the partners must certainly leave behind harmful family patterns (especially when they violate God's word) and join as a family unit. It's important because it allows for the couple to navigate any issues that may arise without outside interference. So as you grow and enjoy your new family dynamics it forms its own loyalty and bond.
Its not a "one and done" deal either. Don't be surprised that you may find attitudes and habits you both carry from your original family. A resistance or breakdown to the principle often shows up early in marriage. For example, you may remember ( see May’s blog) me telling you about how in shock and panic as I wondered to myself “what have I done.” I liked my independence and not having any high level of responsibility to someone (mainly a wife and stepson). I struggled in the first few years with the “leave, join and become” process. I lost valuable time needed to create that sense of loyal love for us. I am still learning after 31 years of marriage I still have old patterns that must go.
First, joining together certainly does not mean cutting off communication or relationship with in-laws or one’s parent but keep the perspective that the marriage is the primary relationship. It is wonderful when everyone gets along and enjoys many activities together yet, you do not want outside family to feel they can encroach upon your time, desires, and marriage vision. While you want to respect each family’s contribution they made in your life you must foster a loyal love between you two.
Second, attachments to family tradition and styles are common. But watch out these may not translate well into your marriage. Everyone has a love style or “love language.” To be honest this is still a challenge for me at times. Yet it helps knowing that we each have a preference to how we give and receive love. Here are well recognized ways: Verbal affirmations, acts of service, physical touch, gift giving, and quality time. Be patient and rest knowing it is a process when creating new family styles. Adjustments in marriage take time.
In summary, the principle in this blog is a commitment between two people, who work together to create a safe and loving environment for each other. It takes both constraint commitment and dedication commitment. I'll cover this in the next blog. Prioritize emotional safety and connection. Your marriage is yours’s to make, not the parents. It is paramount to detach yourselves from parents who may have a larger influence over you than what is best for you. It takes work and it is the work two people do in marriage.
Reflect:
What are some ways you are leaving, joining, and becoming?
What obstacles are there to leaving, joining, and becoming one?
What expectations do you see that may hinder you?
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